I have a "doom and gloom" draft saved. It's a terrible, whiny post about how my own guilt screwed up my life... it's dumb, and I don't want to read it anymore than I don't want anyone else to read it. I come out sounding, for all intents and purposes, like a bitch. Not that I necessarily want to look "cool" or "brave" or "tough". It's just really, REALLY bad is all. It's a chore to read, even if it is the truth.
I do feel, though, that I owe some sort of excuse for writing one terrible blog, and then abandoning the whole thing for three entire months. I guess I'll chalk it up to a couple complications, that really don't serve as amazing excuses, but we'll see if I can't make 'em sound like some.
A) My Break Up: I had been dating a girl by the name of Taylor Elizabeth. (I add the Elizabeth because there are a large number of "Taylor"s circling in and out of my life, and one day I may need to tell them apart through middle name.) Taylor had certain... flaws... that made the relationship... complex... and ultimately unsalvageable. She was not a "nice" person, and if I may speak openly, the poor girl (I say "poor girl" condescendingly) was not physically attractive enough of a person to ALSO lack such a degree of emotional and personal attractiveness.
Our nights would usually include her neglecting to return any amount of affection from the moment I stepped into her apartment until the moment she fell asleep, leaving me alone with my thoughts. I had suffered through over a year of this pattern when I thought up "Insomnia of a Working Class Hipster" and wrote my first post, on 10/20/2011. Days later we ended the relationship.
This affected IWCH, not only because I had finally escaped that awful pattern, but also because I use a Touchpad tablet as my main computer, and those things are NEAR IMPOSSIBLE to type on. My netbook, laptop, and desktop are all in need of repairs that I just can't put the money towards right now. I used to spend my nights surfing the web on Taylor's laptop, but losing her also meant losing the laptop. I don't mind it so much except for ALSO losing the chance to blog.
B) Guilt and Embarrassment: there were, of course, ways around the laptop dilemma, they just required a bit more work then I was willing to initially put forth. After putting them off for too long, though, and after not writing for long enough, I started to feel a bit guilty towards myself... like a slacker... which in effect made me want to do it all the less.
So there it sat, waiting for the one day I may return to do what I once set out to do... make an insomnia blog.
I made it a New Year's resolution, to start blogging regularly, and it's taken me over three weeks to get to it. I'm off of school this semester, so maybe now I have something to do. Maybe I'll review a couple movies a month (Oscar nominees are gonna be announced in 3 and a half hours, and I'm pretty sure I've already seen all of the Best Picture hopefuls). Maybe I'll listen, as an indie rock fan, to crappy top forty albums and write out my displeasure. Maybe I'll write about love, and about how even after all this time I still miss Karen every moment, and hope her lover both is and isn't fulfilling her needs in her relatively young sapphic lovelife.
Maybe I'll just talk۩
